Tuesday, June 30, 2009


One joy and privilege the Lord has given me as a Christian and pastor is the opportunity to lead small groups. Right now, my wife and I have the honor of hosting a young marrieds small group of about seven couples from the church. It's been a rich blessing to gather with them twice a month, read good Christian books together, and encourage one another in our marriages.

Currently we're reading Paul Tripp's excellent book War of Words. I can't commend this searching and helpful book enough. Every meeting is a time of confession, repentance and gospel hope as we think about what it means to be ambassadors of Christ and to have our Lord determine our speech agenda.

Last night we consider a chapter on confrontation. It was good chapter from start to finish, as Tripp unpacked the challenge of our indwelling sin, an unbelieving heart, and the challenge of lovingly confronting others with the goal of helping people see and accept God's view of themselves. In the chapter, Tripp provided an a model of biblical confrontation using the word "Encourage" as an acrostic. It's long, but it's a helpful way to think through the sometimes unpleasant task of talking with others about difficult issues.

Examine your heart. Confrontation always begins with you. Because we all struggle with indwelling sin, we must begin with ourselves. We must be sure that we have dealt with our anger, impatience, self-righteousness, and bitterness. When we start with our own confession, we are in a much better place to lead another to confess.

Note your calling. Remember that confrontation is not based on your opinion of the person. You are there as an ambassador and your job is to faithfully represent the message of the King. In other words, your goal is to help people see and accept God's view of them.

Check your attitude. When you speak, are your words spoken in kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, forbearance, compassion, and love? Failure to do this will hinder God-honoring, change-producing confrontation. We need to examine both our message and our attitude as we speak.

Own your own faults. It is vital to enter moments of confrontation with a humble recognition of who we really are. As we admit our own need for the Lord's forgiveness, we are able to be patient and forgiving with the one to whom God has called us to minister.

Use words wisely. Effective communication demands preparation, particularly of our words. We need to ask God to help us use words that carry his message, not get in the way of it.

Reflect on Scripture. The content of confrontation is always the Bible. It guides what we say and how we say it. We should enter moments of confrontation with a specific understanding of what Scripture says about the issues at hand. This means more than citing proof texts; it means understanding how the themes, principles, perspectives, and commands of Scripture shape the way we think about the issues before us.

Always be prepared to listen. The best, most effective confrontation is interactive. We need to give the person an opportunity to talk, since we cannot look into his heart or read his mind. We need to welcome his questions and look for signs that he is seeing the things he needs to see. We need to listen for true confession and the commitment to specific acts of repentance. As we listen, we will learn where we are in the confrontation process.

Grant time for a response. We must give the Holy Spirit time to work. There is nothing in Scripture that promises that if we do our confrontation work well, the person will confess and repent in one sitting. Rather, the Bible teaches us that change is usually a process. We need to model the same patience God has granted us. This patience does not compromise God's work of change, but flows out of a commitment to it.

Encourage the person with the gospel. It is the awesome grace of God, his boundless love, and his ever-present help that give us a reason to turn from our sin. Scripture says that it is the kindness of God that leads people to repentance (Rom. 2:4). The truths of the gospel--both its challenge and its comfort--must color our confrontation.


These Three Kings said...

wow! I PURCHASING THIS BOOK THIS WEEK! I am often encouraged by all of Ted's books! Thanks again for such encouraging words..I need to print this out :)

Hayden said...

This is an excellent book and should be read by all parents, all single people, all married people, all teenagers, etc. (Did I miss anyone??)

Thanks for the reminder Thabitit