Pure Church

From What He Must Be: If He Wants to Marry My Daughter by Voddie Baucham, pp. 28-29.

This book is not an attempt to absolve young women of their responsibility. Ultimately they are the ones who will walk the aisle and take the vows. They are the ones who will either accept or reject the proposal. That is why this book is in large part for them. Have your daughters read this book. Doing so will be helpful in several ways.

First, this book will help young women gain a better understanding of what they should be looking for. As the old saying goes, if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there. Sadly, this is precisely the way many young women approach marriage. Casual dating turns into a long-term relationship. A long-term relationship turns into a foregone conclusion. And eventually that foregone conclusion turns into a marriage. This does not have to be the case. There is more! We must help our daughters turn their affections away from cultural conditioning and toward biblical truth.

Second, this book will help young women see the importance of partnering with their parents in the courtship process. I believe most young women want their parents involved in this. Of course, the culture has painted them into a corner, and they don’t quite know how to get out. Nevertheless, many young women want some degree of help when it comes to choosing a mate. After all, this is the most life-altering decision they will make apart from coming to repentance and faith in Christ.

Finally, this book will help young women realize their dependence upon God. Reading the biblical characteristics of a godly man can be a bit intimidating. Since the bar has been set so low for so long in our culture, many of the qualities and characteristics seem strange, and perhaps a bit distant. But they are supposed to be. This book is not about what every Tom, Dick, and Harry already is; this is about what a God-honoring, Christ-exalting, Bible-believing husband must be. If it were easy or normal, there would be no need for this book. Only God can bring about the kind of change necessary in a young man to prepare him to be the kind of husband the Scriptures portray. Thus, reading this book should drive young women to their knees as they plead with God to make a man like this and bring him across their path. In the meantime, we must not settle for less than what he must be.

The question: How much responsibility should a young woman have in the dating or courtship process?

Here's one way Baucham describes the problem:

Imagine a family who did not prepare their children for college. This would be unthinkable in today’s world. Everyone prepares their child for an academic future. Day-care programs boast about the head start they will give children in their “academic careers.” We buy houses in neighborhoods with “the best schools.” Beyond that, many families place their children in expensive preparatory schools, enduring tremendous financial burdens, incurring debt, and commuting hours each day in an effort to give their children an edge in that all-important race for the apex of academia.

However, little thought is given to preparing our sons to be husbands. Thus, they meander through life without the skills or mind-set necessary to play this most important role until one day, having met “the one,” they pop the question, set a date, and—in the rarest of cases—go to the pastor to learn everything they need to know about being the priest, prophet, provider, and protector of a household in four one-hour sessions. In the words of that great theologian Dr. Phil, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”

As a result, we have families led by men who haven’t the foggiest idea what their role is or how to carry it out. We have wives who were created with a God-given need to be led by godly men, a curse from the days in the garden that puts them at odds with this arrangement, and a cultural mandate to fight against male headship. Top this off with children who long for the security that can only be found in clear roles and boundaries in the home, and the result is a frustrated family mired in dysfunction. Sound familiar?

If we have any desire to change this, we must begin to prepare young men to be husbands and fathers. We must stop preparing them for lives of selfishness, immediate gratification, and perpetual adolescence if we ever expect to turn the tide. The skills required of a husband and father take a lifetime to acquire. Our sons must begin to acquire them sooner rather than later. If we prepare our children to be husbands and wives, and God calls and equips them to be single, we have lost nothing. On the other hand, if we do not prepare our children to be husbands and wives, and they (like the overwhelming majority of people) end up married someday, we have lost a great deal. Prudence would point toward the necessity to prepare our children for marriage, and to do so with all diligence. (pp. 42-44

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The question for today: What does it mean to prepare a son or a daughter for marriage? Is this really a fundamental duty of parents?

I'm thrilled that Voddie Baucham's new book--What He Must Be... If He Wants to Marry My Daughter--has hit the stores and online outlets. I'm also happy to be participating in the book tour for this important work.

I'm continuing my study of the round-up of sermons on marriage and family posted by Colin. I've completed listening to Voddie Baucham in a sermon called "What He Must Be (Marriage by Design).

As the title suggests, Baucham is focused on the essential things a man must be in order to lead a wife in marriage. Voddie presents his points as though he were talking to his daughter. The audience is invited to listen in on what he shares with his own daughter.

The first half of the sermon lists five things that drive women to marry men who are not prepared to lead in marriage. I would agree with Baucham's assessment that these are five popular things that cloud a woman's judgement and leads to regrettable and disobedient marriage decisions. In descending order of frequency:

5. Lust--"I know he ain't what he ought to be, but he's just fine."

4 Desperation. As women grow older, the sense that it might not happen for them grows increasingly strong. Baucham reckons that age 14, young girls are looking for "the total package" and are unwilling to settle. By age 24, their list is widdled down to "a good godly man." And by age 34 they're happy if "the man knows where a church is."

3. Time Invested--"Young boys and girls 13-15 practice giving themselves away to one another. They enter exclusive intimate relationships when they are not ready. It's like shopping without money. You will either leave frustrated or with something not yours." Many people lunge into marriage because they've spent all this time investing in a relationship and they wouldn't want to "lose" what's invested.

2. Materialism--"He'll provide a good life for me."

1. Mysticism--"but I prayed about it and I have a peace about it." I'm with Baucham 100% on this one. If I had a dollar every time I've heard this one, I'd be a hundredaire. Voddie goes on to respond with characteristically Baucham directness and humor, "Let me get this straight. God states something clearly in His word. You disobey it. But it's okay because you and God worked out a deal." The Lord will not contradict His word by giving us a "peace" about things. That "peace" is generally nothing more than our rationalizations rehearsed to the point that we're numb to God's commands. And how often that supposed "peace" comes crashing down in serious marital difficulties and divorce.

The second half of the sermon takes up what a husband must be. Baucham focuses on Ephesians 5 and outlines four things: priest, prophet, provider and protector. For his part, Baucham is determined that he cannot give his daughter away to a man who can't play all of these roles. "My daughter is one of the few things in this world that can make me start a prison ministry immediately." Again, I'm with Voddie.

How are we to lead?

1. Must lead in love. Baucham defines "love" as "an act of the will (choice) accompanied by emotion (not lead or determined by) that leads to action on behalf of the object."

2. Must lead in the word. "Sanctify her by the water of the word." "Until you find a man who can disciple and lead you biblically, you haven't found a man you can marry."

3. Must lead in righteousness. "... making her holy and blameless...." "If you have a found a man constantly pressuring you to do thing that are unrighteous, you have not found a man ready to be your husband." A husband should pull you up to his level of righteousness.

4. Must lead in selflessness. "...nourishes and cherishes...." The husband should be the first one in the family to go without, sacrifice, or lay it down for the family. "If he's not, then he's shortsighted. He doesn't realize what you're building for the future."

I particularly appreciated Voddie connecting daily sacrifice for our wives with a longer-term sense of leaving a legacy and building a future. I'm far too prone to measure sacrifice in more mundane, self-seeking terms. I felt convicted about not having given enough consideration of the Anyabwiles that, Lord willing and Jesus tarries, will come after me. I need to understand sacrifice in light of a longer chain of relationships and events than just the immediate and often fleshly considerations of a given action.

5. Must lead in intimacy. Good practical exhortations here. Don't confuse sex with intimacy. Prioritize the marriage over the children. He makes two excellent observations regarding prioritizing the marriage over the children. (a) Prioritizing the marriage helps protect the marriage from divorce by ensuring there's a relationship there when the children leave. And (b) the security of our children depends upon the strength of the marriage. So, as we strengthen our marriages and prioritize them, our children know the stability and security necessary for spiritual growth.

Good stuff to meditate on. The first section was helpful not only for parenting my daughters but also for pastoral counseling. The second section was a good "gird up your loins" reminder of what the Lord calls us to as husbands. It's a glorious, joyful, and high calling.

Baucham didn't offer this as an application, but obviously I need to take thus "must be's" and the five musts and discuss that with the wife. First, some prayer and fasting :-)