Pure Church

Came across this well-written and helpful admonishment against that kind of "communication" that's almost always a hidden agenda that hurts or divides without ever taking ownership.

The Great A&W Incident, as it’s known around our house, baptized me into the murky waters of church ministry and the sideways, backhanded, upside-down channels we use to communicate with one another in the family. Before The Incident, I assumed we would all talk to each other. Not around each other.

What a naive dork I turned out to be.

It was a small thing, The Incident. But it fit into a larger pattern of crooked-line communication that one day, years later, helped break a church into a million tiny pieces.

Sadly, this kind of communication breaks a lot of relationships--churches, marriages, business partnerships--into a million tiny pieces. Read the entire piece here: "Is Anonymous Your First or Last Name?"

One joy and privilege the Lord has given me as a Christian and pastor is the opportunity to lead small groups. Right now, my wife and I have the honor of hosting a young marrieds small group of about seven couples from the church. It's been a rich blessing to gather with them twice a month, read good Christian books together, and encourage one another in our marriages.

Currently we're reading Paul Tripp's excellent book War of Words. I can't commend this searching and helpful book enough. Every meeting is a time of confession, repentance and gospel hope as we think about what it means to be ambassadors of Christ and to have our Lord determine our speech agenda.

Last night we consider a chapter on confrontation. It was good chapter from start to finish, as Tripp unpacked the challenge of our indwelling sin, an unbelieving heart, and the challenge of lovingly confronting others with the goal of helping people see and accept God's view of themselves. In the chapter, Tripp provided an a model of biblical confrontation using the word "Encourage" as an acrostic. It's long, but it's a helpful way to think through the sometimes unpleasant task of talking with others about difficult issues.

Examine your heart. Confrontation always begins with you. Because we all struggle with indwelling sin, we must begin with ourselves. We must be sure that we have dealt with our anger, impatience, self-righteousness, and bitterness. When we start with our own confession, we are in a much better place to lead another to confess.

Note your calling. Remember that confrontation is not based on your opinion of the person. You are there as an ambassador and your job is to faithfully represent the message of the King. In other words, your goal is to help people see and accept God's view of them.

Check your attitude. When you speak, are your words spoken in kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, forbearance, compassion, and love? Failure to do this will hinder God-honoring, change-producing confrontation. We need to examine both our message and our attitude as we speak.

Own your own faults. It is vital to enter moments of confrontation with a humble recognition of who we really are. As we admit our own need for the Lord's forgiveness, we are able to be patient and forgiving with the one to whom God has called us to minister.

Use words wisely. Effective communication demands preparation, particularly of our words. We need to ask God to help us use words that carry his message, not get in the way of it.

Reflect on Scripture. The content of confrontation is always the Bible. It guides what we say and how we say it. We should enter moments of confrontation with a specific understanding of what Scripture says about the issues at hand. This means more than citing proof texts; it means understanding how the themes, principles, perspectives, and commands of Scripture shape the way we think about the issues before us.

Always be prepared to listen. The best, most effective confrontation is interactive. We need to give the person an opportunity to talk, since we cannot look into his heart or read his mind. We need to welcome his questions and look for signs that he is seeing the things he needs to see. We need to listen for true confession and the commitment to specific acts of repentance. As we listen, we will learn where we are in the confrontation process.

Grant time for a response. We must give the Holy Spirit time to work. There is nothing in Scripture that promises that if we do our confrontation work well, the person will confess and repent in one sitting. Rather, the Bible teaches us that change is usually a process. We need to model the same patience God has granted us. This patience does not compromise God's work of change, but flows out of a commitment to it.

Encourage the person with the gospel. It is the awesome grace of God, his boundless love, and his ever-present help that give us a reason to turn from our sin. Scripture says that it is the kindness of God that leads people to repentance (Rom. 2:4). The truths of the gospel--both its challenge and its comfort--must color our confrontation.

Today is Heroes' Day in the Cayman Islands. The country celebrates those men and women who have given themselves in extraordinary ways for the commonweal. It's a great holiday and a great cause to give God praise for His providence in national prosperity, safety, and opportunity.

I'm also celebrating other heroes--heroes of the faith. So, I'm feeding my soul by listening to John Folmar expound Eph. 5:25-33. A sweet meditation on the gospel and marriage. I'm thankful for all those heroes who labored in love to make their marriages a reflection of the Divine Love displayed in the Gospel of our Lord, and those men like John who boldly and clearly preach on these needed topics.

Speaking of marriage, our young married small group meets tonight to begin Paul David Tripp's War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles. The group nearly unanimously chose to focus on communication and this is an excellent treatment of the subject and exposing of our hearts. We begin with Genesis 1 and the fact that God is a speaking God, which fills communication with unimaginable dignity and power.

A friend sent me an email following the Twin Lakes Fellowship. Because my talk there was basically an exhortation to unity in the church, he asked if I might do a post to help "all those white guys out there that feel so incompetent when it comes to talking about race."

Actually, it's a request I get often in one form or another. And that's sorta ironic... because folks who know me well know that "race" is the last thing I want to talk about with people. Literally, it's the last thing... right after a number of topics I'll label as "women's issues." (Don't ask me to elaborate, these are my next-to-the-least-favorite topics to talk about in public or private).

But if you have to talk about race... here are some things to keep in mind that keep you from getting Imus-ed out of a job or a friendship.

1. Don't talk about race.
I know... I know. This is a post on how to talk about race and the #1 recommendation is not to talk about it. Yep. For several reasons. A) "Race" (if we mean some essential difference rooted in biology) does not exist. It's neither a biblical or a scientific category that's sustainable. And in my opinion, the category usually flattens what needs to be a nuanced discussion. B) Chances are the issue you're assigning to "race" is explainable with 12 other solutions other than race. Reach for one of those. C) Most of us don't talk about race well... we'll goof it up... so reach for another factor. Don't feel compelled to talk about race. Emphasize rather our common humanity and our shared identity in Christ (if talking with Christians).

2. When you do talk about race, don't tell people you're "color blind."
Okay... maybe you are. Perhaps you need help getting dressed in the morning because greens look like orange to you. But that's not a helpful thing to say to a person who in all likelihood has a lifetime of experiences (good, bad, happy, and painful) and identity bound up with the skin she/he is in. It's like saying, "You don't exist and all that's gone on with you didn't happen." Not a good start to a conversation.

3. When you do talk about race, be sure to empathize wherever you can.
Let's face it; we need some "good will" points between parties in this dispute. And I can't count the number of times a sincere white brother rushed past some obvious place for empathy to disagree with something else or to raise another race-related issue. Be sure to slow your emotional and intellectual reactions enough to warmly and genuinely hear the other person and communicate empathy for their perspective--whether or not you agree with their conclusion. I think the popular expression is "seek to hear before being heard."

4. When you do talk about race, be sure to call injustice injustice.
This is a cousin to the one above. Again, one mistake often made is to give the appearance that you're indifferent to injustice. Now, for a lot of black folks who see African-American history largely (exclusively?) in terms of a fight for justice, again, denying injustice is like saying you don't exist or you're off in la-la land. Denying that injustice exists and that the history of race relations in the United States is essentially a tale of either denying or fighting for justice will make you appear to be a defender of the injustice and an enemy to African-Americans. In my experience, when the conversation turns to some injustice or another, it's best that you acknowledge, don't excuse it, and simply listen for an opportunity to turn the conversation to a topic that really lends itself to discussion.

5. When you do talk about race, be honest.
Don't hide your opinions, flatter, or offer false agreement. Given the few things above, speak plainly and honestly. That sometimes means admitting "I don't have any idea what you're talking about or what that's like." It sometimes means saying, "Hmmm.... I understand why ___ is an unjust situation, but I don't think ___ is the way forward." It's okay to disagree when you think the facts or a conclusion are wrong. Speak the truth in love as best you can.

6. When you do talk about race, be patient.
You may have to wait a long time in any given conversation or in a relationship before you can get to the core of an issue. If you're impatient, perhaps just wanting to "give my side" or "speak my mind," you'll miss the opportunity to learn and to win your brother or sister.

7. When you do talk about race, please fight against the tendency to stereotype.
Asking, "Why do black people _______?" or "Why are black people _______?" is generally a clue that you may be acting on stereotype. Don't look for economical ways (stereotypes) to discuss race. Make it painfully slow and nuanced in order to avoid unnecessary offense and to treat the person you're talking to like a person.

8. When you do talk about race, accept legitimate responsibility but refuse illegitimate guilt.
So many conversations about race employ guilt as a weapon and leave many feeling guilty. That can happen a couple ways. One is to accept responsibility and guilt for things that you are not responsible for or guilty of. Don't do that. Even if your grandfather held slaves, you didn't. Don't accept guilt for the sins of the grandfather. Having said that, thought, do accept the responsibility of creating a different/better climate for relationship and healing. We all have that responsibility for promoting reconciliation. And we shouldn't leave it undone because of wrong guilt.

10. When you do talk about race, root the conversation in the Gospel.
As explicitly and consistently as you can, place the entire conversation in the context of God's redemption through Christ. The injustices we mentioned above, name them sin. Call it what it is and point out the need for a Savior. In the face of injustice, find legitimate ways to point out that an alien righteousness is needed to solve these problems. Instead of allowing yourself to feel the burden of a false guilt, talk about the real guilt of sin that separates sinful man from God and places Him squarely before the wrath of a Holy God. Point out that the true guilt of racism, etc. comes not from having mistreated men but having defaced the glory of God by mistreating men made in His image. Affirm the ethnic identities of other--not as ultimate goods--but as penultimate goods that are used by God's design to heighten His glory and praise (ultimate good) in the redemption of men. When people are "stuck on race," offer a bigger, more glorious view of humanity--new creation in the image of Christ. Model the humility of Christ, who though he was unjustly accused and mocked never retaliated and returned insult for insult. But patiently endured the scourging and the agony of the cross for the joy that was set before Him. Every conversation about "race," can and should be a demonstration of the gospel and the sin-bearing, atonement-making grace of Jesus Christ our Lord.