Pure Church

With the re-post yesterday, a few folks have asked in one way or another, "How do we help our children talk about our focus on Jesus rather than Santa without being self-righteous?"

What a great question. First, let me say, if you want answers without pride and self-righteousness, I'm not your best teacher. I'm certain others have written more helpful stuff and lived more consistently than I have. Perhaps we could all benefit from reading a book like Humility just before the holidays.

But here are a few things I thought about in response to that excellent and practical question.

1. Prepare your children before they're in the situation. In general, I fall down on this way too much. Too much of my instruction comes after the fact. Consequently, it's damage control or re-directing rather than insulating equipping. So, I'd encourage us all who avoid Santa to talk with our children about why we choose not to, giving them a sense of the superior joy of focusing on Jesus. And talk with them about the fact that many, many others--both Christians and non-Christians--do include Santa Claus in their Christmas celebrations. Be sure to explain that doing Santa doesn't make a person a bad Christian, but that you think Jesus and the gospel are clearer without Santa. And part of our preparation, should be a little role play or instruction on how to respond when they're asked things like, "What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?" When I used to train people on interviewing techniques, we used to teach people to think of the questions they would like not to be asked and decide how they're going to answer them if they come up. That principle works here I think.

2. Don't leave your children hanging; model the response you're hoping for. Invariably, there will be that neighbor or friend who sees you in the grocery store and turns to ask that awkward question of your child. They'll mean well and will do a pretty good job of engaging the child directly... bending down to eye level, smiling, and giving all kinds of joyful non-verbal encouragements. (We should engage children like this all the time, really). Your child will look at this smiling giant and then look to mom and dad with a silent plea, What do I do now! You're the one leading this thing! Say something!


So, we should say something. Graciously, with a smile, bring the conversation back to adult-to-adult. And say something like, "At Christmas, we enjoy focusing on the birth of Jesus and what it means to the world?" Hopefully, that opens some opportunity to explain what it means. If your child is old enough and familiar with the gospel, you might even relieve the tension by turning to the child and asking, "Why did Jesus come? And what does that mean for the world?" But the point here is to encourage the parents to lead with a little modeling. We're not out for Santa fights in the produce aisle of the supermarket. So, aim for something short, winsome, and simple so your child can emulate it.

3. Teach children to take an interest in the traditions of others. We can go on the "offensive" here as well. We should teach our children not to be in a defensive posture about Christmas celebrations, but to be in that people-seeking, gospel-communicating, offensive posture of the Great Commission. So, it's good if we're the ones teaching our children that people celebrate differently--some of that is cultural and ethnic, some of it is just preference. Some of it is well thought-out and reasoned, some of it is just cultural response. We can show genuine interest in people by asking what kinds of things they do to celebrate Christmas, and by asking how they came to embrace those practices. We learn about others and we hopefully deepen a relationship.

4. Finally, we have to teach our children how to handle objections. Well-meaning people, after hearing that you don't do Santa Claus, will assume that means you don't do joy at Christmas. They'll assume you don't give gifts or that you're robbing the children. And they'll sometimes give voice to these objections by asking the child something like, "Aren't you gonna miss out on Santa and all the gifts?"

Here, we need to know two things. First, we need to know if our children are missing those things or longing for them. To what extent is materialism creeping into their hearts? Talking with them about this is helpful for us as parents apart from simply preparing for these kinds of conversations. And if they admit to struggling in this way, it's an opportunity to do a little heart work with our children.

Second, we need to know if our children are prepared to respond in situations like this. These kinds of questions are actually a lot of pressure to put on a 3-, 4-, or 5-year olds. Answering towering adults who obviously disagree with you can be intimidating. So, again, we should be ready to step in and model a response. But we should also teach children how to handle objections and disagreements. Learning short answers can be helpful:

Q: "Won't you miss all the presents?" Ans: "The best present comes from God in Jesus. That's what we enjoy most."

Q: "What will you do when the other children have lots of new toys?" Ans: "Share their joy with them, and continue to enjoy all the toys I already have."

Q: "What's wrong with believing in Santa?" Ans: "Others can. But I think it's better to believe in real things that are wonderful and beautiful, like Jesus."

Q: "Well, what do you do for Christmas then?" Ans: Fill in whatever your family does.

Whenever the child answers an objection graciously, joyfully, and honestly, affirm them. Join in by saying, "Yeah, that's right. We...." Again, don't leave them alone. Model how to respond and model that it's a family tradition. Lord willing, that'll pay off when they're one day defending the gospel itself and sticking together with the family of faith.

Just a few thoughts. I'd love to hear from others.

How do you teach your children to talk about why you do or don't include Santa in your Christmas celebrations?

Well, first, the good news. Our brother Al Mohler reviews an interesting piece from Jennifer Senior in New York magazine entitled "The Abortion Distortion--Just How Pro-Choice Is America Really?" Mohler writes:

In “The Abortion Distortion — Just How Pro-choice is America, Really?,” writer Jennifer Senior offers an incredibly insightful and important essay on the moral status of abortion in the American mind. Senior is clearly writing to a New York readership — expected to be overwhelmingly pro-choice and settled in a posture of abortion advocacy. Given the passage of the so-called “Stupak amendment” to the health-care reform bill adopted by the House of Representatives, many in the pro-choice movement responded with amazement that a pro-life minority has been able to muster such support. Jennifer Senior posed the most awkward question for her readers: Is America really pro-choice

The good news from this piece is that Americans are significantly less pro-choice than a small, aging minority would have us believe. Senior's work goes back to the 1970s documenting that Roe was significantly out-of-step with public opinion and abortion as a practice continues to be. May it not only be out of step but out of existence in our lifetime.

Now the bad news. Or, at least the cute bad news. Turns out most children are unrepentant sociopaths. Mockingbird links to a very funny piece from The Onion. An excerpt:

MINNEAPOLIS—A study published Monday in The Journal Of Child Psychology And Psychiatry has concluded that an estimated 98 percent of children under the age of 10 are remorseless sociopaths with little regard for anything other than their own egocentric interests and pleasures.

According to Dr. Leonard Mateo, a developmental psychologist at the University of Minnesota and lead author of the study, most adults are completely unaware that they could be living among callous monsters who would remorselessly exploit them to obtain something as insignificant as an ice cream cone or a new toy.



"The most disturbing facet of this ubiquitous childhood disorder is an utter lack of empathy," Mateo said. "These people—if you can even call them that—deliberately violate every social norm without ever pausing to consider how their selfish behavior might affect others. It's as if they have no concept of anyone but themselves."

"The depths of depravity that these tiny psychopaths are capable of reaching are really quite chilling," Mateo added.

Read the whole thing here.

Related Posts:
Two Year Olds Are Sneaky Little Sinners
The Joys of Talking with Little Kids

I was touched as I read this post from Conrad Mbewe about the safety of children in Zambia. Here's the conclusion:

There are many mornings and afternoons when I see small children in school uniforms walking alone or in pairs as they make their way to or from school--and the school is quite a distance away. on other occasions I see children coming from the market with small packets of groceries in their hands, blissfully walking along as they make their way home. And here are cops saying they never get reports of missing children around here. That must sound like heaven for many of our friends in the West, where children are preyed upon and snatched by human predators. Let us never take this common grace for granted. Let us thank God for the safety of our children.

I just stepped out of my office to take a short break from sermon prep. One of the joys for me is to walk by my mail box and find large shipping envelopes that usually include books!

My wife: "Titus I love you."

Titus: "I love you toooo!"

My wife: "Titus, I love Daddy too. He's my best friend."

Titus: "NNNNNNNO!"

My wife: "Why can't I love Daddy too?"

Titus: "Because he can get bugs on him...and mosquitos."

A good friend wrote to me this past week with a good question. Actually, two good friends wrote with two good but different questions, both suggesting future blog topics. That doesn't happen much, but when it does it's usually a good idea and at least an indication that some people may already be thinking about such things.

So, despite my general aversion to talking about "race," the question for today seems a good topic. I hope it's useful to folks.

Here's the substance of my friend's email:

A couple of weeks ago, we had friends over for dinner. During that time our little boy (3 years old) had a good time playing with their daughter. As my wife was putting our son to bed, out of nowhere, he made the statement that he missed, "my new black friend." I briefly forgot about it until we had another family over, relative of that family who has an African-American father, and during that time our son came up to me and asked me where his new black friend is.

As you've noted before, I don't want to deny his friend's "blackness", but I also want to try and raise him correctly in this area, and am really lacking in wisdom on how to deal with it.

I am thankful that he does notice that these kids are different, and yet sub-consciously notices that he has just as much fun playing with them as any of his other friends, i.e. just because they are "different" doesn't mean that they're not the "same". This provides me with a good segue into being able to continually teach him things like we are all created in the image of God even though we look and act differently, we are all sinners even though we may sin in different ways, and ultimately we all need Christ.

Anyway, I know you're time is limited, so even just a few brief thoughts would be appreciated. Or maybe sometime in the future, you can post something on your blog about your suggestions for how parents can talk about race with their kids, and maybe even how they can talk about the gospel in these discussions.

Actually, I think my friend has a lot of wisdom on how to approach this. What he may feel is a certain lack of confidence, a trepidation shared by many when it comes to talking about race. But his third paragraph is spot on in my opinion. So, the comments below are in some ways an elaboration on that paragraph.

How to talk to children about race:

1. Talk with your children about ethnicity (the nations) rather than "race."
If you've been a reader of this blog, you probably know that I'm not at all a fan of the construct of "race," which suggests intractable differences rooted in a biology, an unbiblical myth of recent origin. The differences among people are indeed real (languages, dress, skin color, etc.), but they are not biologically rooted or determined. Making this distinction brings the people closer to our children and their experience. Rooting identity and culture in race makes healthy exchange a wider bridge to cross because it suggests experience and ways of being that are so foreign as to be rooted in a biology we can't acquire. So, parents would serve their children well by exposing them to cultures and ethnicities without leaving them with the contemporary notion (ofen implicit) that those things are rooted in "race" and therefore unchangeable and "off limits" to alien experience, exploration or questioning. Over time, attempt to leave them with a nuanced understanding of the world... one with shades... in appearance, meaning, and thought.

2. Talk about ethnicity in a way that magnifies the power and wisdom of God.
We should be amazed more often than we are (excuse me for projecting my dullness onto you!) at the sheer power and wisdom of God that can create "difference" and "same" in His creation. Here, as my friend suggests, we want to make a big deal of the wonder of how it is we are both "different" and the "same." But we want to wonder toward God, not as a conundrum to be solved, but as a fact to be marveled at in celebration of who God is. How magnificent must be the mind of our Creator if He leaves us--not just roses--but varieties of roses with different colors and smells but the "same" essential thing? And how awesome must be the power of God if He is able to create of one blood all the people of the earth (Acts 17:26), and to make them all in His image including the observable differences in ethnicity? What our children observe in the differences of people is fertile ground for magnifying the power of God who created us all.

3. Talk about the need of all men for the Savior.
Not only are we alike in our humanity, but we are therefore alike in our sin, guilt, shame and need for divine rescue. We are far more alike than we are different. And the ways in which we are alike when it comes to sin and salvation are far more important than the ways we are alike in cultural, economic, social, psychological, or even physical terms. We often may be tempted to leave our discussion of ethnic similarity or difference at some superficial level rather than pour eternal gospel truth into the conversation. When your three year old surprises you with some observation of ethnic difference, direct the conversation to sin and salvation as the common problem and common need of all men. Pray for a ready mind before the topic comes up, a mind that skillfully takes the child to Jesus and the cross as the solution for the common problem and need. Pray for a ready mind that then gives a child a vision for what she or he can do in the areas of missions and evangelism to be used of God to meet their playmates' greatest need. If we've been talking about ethnicities (the nations as suggested in #1 above), turning to missions is really only one short step away.

4. Talk about the gospel and the church as the plan of God to demonstrate unity across such diversity and to display His wisdom.
Please, please, please don't forget that Eph. 2:11-3:12 is written to a local church... that there are truths there to be applied to this life... as well as hopes that sustain us in imperfection until the next. The church's perfection in displaying the wisdom of God in the unity of people from every nation in "one new man" awaits Christ's return, but the reality of Christ's accomplishment is to be experienced and sought after in this life. Hold the church up as the place where that reality is lived out, where your child's "new black friend" or "new Asian friend" or "new white friend" can truly and joyfully and lastingly be not just a friend but something more, a brother or sister in Christ who makes us one with each other by "creating in himself one new man... and in this one body... reconciling us to God through the cross, by which he put to death our hostility" toward one another. The "mystery of Christ" is that Gentile and Jew are "heirs together..., members together of one body, and sharers together in the promise in Christ Jesus" and that "through the church, the manifold wisdom of God is made known to the rulers and authroities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Eph. 3:6, 10). Let's center our children's thinking about ethnicity in the divine reality of the church, the new spiritual ethnic group to which all who are Christ's belong and derive their reconciled identity and peace.

Point out the glory of God in His creation, including the ethnicities we see. Point to the glory of Christ, a Savior who saves people from all nations. And point to the church as the place where this salvation and new creation is to be lived out until it's lived out completely in the age to come. In discussions of "race" with our children, keep pointing to God, His Christ, and His church so that our children might learn to see men in accord with the majestic power and work of God in history and redemption.