Pure Church

Remember Angela and Andy? They're a young couple who have been dating for the past year and they've now come to you/your church to be married. As you speak with Andy you learn that both have been divorced. This will be their second marriage.

In Andy's case, his first wife had been unfaithful and they eventually divorced over the adultery. Andy and his first wife were professing Christians. In Angela's case, she had been unfaithful to her husband, leading to a divorce. At the time, neither Angela nor her husband were believers.

Andy's first wife has gone on to remarry and now lives with her second husband and four children across town. Angela's first husband has not remarried.

These are individuals who will find that following Jesus requires counting the costs, denying themselves and bearing their cross. I think we sometimes forget the weightiness of this for people looking to follow the Savior.

The Costs

Most people would say that Andy is free to remarry since he was not the one who broke the marriage covenant with his first wife. I think that's the majority interpretation of passages like Matthew 5 and 19. But there are some who argue that remarriage isn't appropriate even for Andy. See here for one example.

But what is certain is that Andy cannot continue a relationship with Angela. The cost of following Jesus will be ending a one-year romantic interest on the verge of marriage. And that won't be easy. I think most people in this situation would make an appeal to forgiveness or grace or freedom, and leave off any personal application of the divorce and remarriage passages. They'll miss the import of Titus 2:11-12; grace teaches us to obey Christ. Grace never makes it okay to disobey. The challenge for Andy will be deciding that marriage to Angela is not a "right" to be jealously grasped. Rather, he must embrace the freedom that comes from obedience and choose what appears an inconvenient and perhaps foolish course.


Angela will have the same cost to pay: she cannot marry Andy. Moreover, as I understand the Scripture, she cannot ever remarry. To remarry would be adultery.

Consider the cost of following Jesus for Angela. There is terminating the relationship with Andy. There is the foreclosure of any romantic relationship for the remainder of her life. There is the preclusion of ever having children naturally. Having known the joys marital intimacy, there is now a life of celibacy ahead.

For most people, that's a staggering list of costs. In my short experience, most would rather disobey the Lord and pursue these desires than obey Him in love. When presented with these issues, many walk away from the faith and the church, unwilling to pay the costs once counted.


Helping Andy and Angela
It's the church's call to help this brother and sister walk worthy of the callings they have received in Christ. What does that look like?

1. Helping Andy and Angela think in biblical terms about grace. There's much that could be said here, but at least two aspects are critical. First, as Titus 2:11-2 points out, saving grace actually teaches us to say "no" to ungodliness and to live sober, godly lives in this evil age. One dark, domineering thought they each will have is: I can't do this. This is too much. I don't want to say 'no' to this desire. How will we make it? The answer from the Scripture is God will teach you with His grace.

Second, this means that in whatever situation God calls us, His grace will be sufficient for us. People in this situation imagine the happy, harp-playing glories of love and marriage. They daydream about a life of joy and bliss on one side of the ledger. And they compare that to an imagined life of unrelenting suffering, loneliness, and so on. Their imagination is rigged, biased in favor of their desires and against God's calling. They are sympathetic with their own sinful impulses and resistant to God's path and wisdom. In that sense, they're loving darkness rather than the light. What they need help to see is that a life of fruitful, joyful singleness is not only possible but real for many. Moreover, the same grace that meets them in their sin provides for them in all God's callings and commands. His commands are not burdensome. His yoke is easy. He will not quench the smoking flax. Grace calls us to imagine that the best possible future lies in the path God chooses instead of the path of our desires.

2. Help Andy and Angela understand the necessity of the local church family. Rather than leave the church, Andy and Angela should be helped to plug even more deeply in their local fellowships. They'll need the support and counsel of godly family in the household of God. They'll likely want to go places where no one is "butting into their business," or someplace where people tell them what they want to hear. They'll likely begin pulling away from the family. But this is when the family needs to be most aware of their struggles and most caring. Whether through a small group of fellow saints or with concentrated one-on-one discipleship, Andy and Angela need to be tethered tightly to the church so that they're helped to think in biblical ways, process their feelings, and walk out their callings.


3. In time, help Andy and Angela with finding ways of expressing their desires. This may mean helping Andy to remarry as the Lord provides a woman free to marry. This might mean helping Angela consider adoption if she wants to parent. The difficult part of this situation is that Andy and Angela can't have the lives they desire with each other. But that doesn't mean they can't have elements of their desired lives at all. Careful counseling, pastoral leadership, and support from the church family should work to encourage each of them to fully embrace the range of life opportunities the Lord provides within the good boundaries of His word and will. There will be a million opportunities for glorifying Jesus with their lives, even if they aren't the traditional ways of doing some of them.

Well, that's my sense of things. No easy answers. Or perhaps there are some easy answers, but the implementation is emotionally taxing and messy.

Your Turn

I would love to hear what you think. How would you counsel a couple in a situation like this? Do you know any situations like this and how have you helped/failed to help in the past? What can we learn from each other?

If you've been following the posts on "The Costs of Following Jesus" (here and here), you've read about a fictional man named "Brad," a new convert to the faith, father of three with a live-in girlfriend of 13 years. Obviously, Brad has some things to think through if he is going to faithfully follow the Lord. We've been discussing our views.

Today, Carson shared an email post written to a young church planter on this very issue. HT to one of the commenters here. This is very thoughtful, and I hope you'll read it.

A couple days back, we began a new series of posts on "The Cost of Following Jesus". Thanks to all those who shared wisdom and thoughts regarding our scenario from yesterday: Brad, a new convert with a long-time live-in girlfriend and three children depending on his income. The reason I'm thankful for the comments and the reason I'm enjoying this series is that such situations are real human dramas for so many people and so many churches. Learning to respond biblically and with an understanding of the "costs" that will be paid to follow Jesus is a big part of shepherding well in these cases.

I don't pretend to have the "air tight" answers. So, my responses aren't meant to "settle" all open questions and be some kind of "advice from on high." I'm a fellow elder looking to be faithful and to think out loud about some hypothetical situations before I have to work through some real ones. And I'm hoping this exercise is a means of grace to us all. So a few thoughts.

The Costs Brad Will Pay

Obviously, Brad will need to figure out how to live faithfully before the Lord. And that means at least two things: no more sexual immorality, but also continuing to faithfully care for his children who need both his presence and his financial support.

Does he leave the family? If so, does he take the children with him? Does he leave the children and continue providing financial support?

Does he break off the 13-year relationship with Jill? Or, does he marry her? Since she is not a Christian, can he marry her (1 Cor. 7:39)? If he doesn't marry her, are we helping him to defraud her (1 Thess. 4)?


A father is more than a paycheck, so we don't want to weaken or harm the family as we help this brand new Christian discover how to follow Jesus. And Jesus' glory and our love for Him trumps all other loves, so we don't want to leave Brad putting Jill and the children before the Lord. Nor is the love and commitment shared over decades between a man and a woman a small thing to trifle with. All these things are risks associated with helping Brad follow the Lord and bear the costs.

And there are risks to the church and to Jill and the children. How this is handled communicates a lot either accurately or inaccurately about the nature of God's grace and Christian love. Jill and the children are not believers. We desire the family to see the gospel worked out in a winsome way that commends holiness as beautiful. Responding poorly will hurt one or more people in this family.

So what to do?

An Approach

What would be the strengths or weaknesses of the following approach? What would have merit and would should be re-thought? With all of this, I'm talking a couple weeks, not a few months or years.

With Brad:

1. Encourage perseverance and sanctification. Avoid giving assurances based on unbiblical criteria. Instead, exhort the brother in those marks of the Christian life we see described in the Bible: love for the brethren, obedience as love to Jesus, sanctification, and so on. Help Brad to see the work of Christ in the Christian's life as extraordinary and extensive rather than small and trivial. That includes understanding that Jesus is Lord of his sex life as well. There are no intimacies over which the Lord does not say, "Mine." In short, work to give Brad a solid biblical view of what a Christian is.

2. Study with him a book like Ephesians or 1 Thessalonians. This is a practical way to approach #1 above. The books are short enough to cover in a couple weeks, and rich enough theologically and practically that a good picture of the Christian life emerges. Ephesians has the advantage of giving an exalted, Christ-centered view of marriage, something Brad and his girlfriend need. I Thessalonians has the advantage of addressing sanctification and sexual purity directly (chap. 4) and of pointing to the coming of Christ. Both give helpful instruction on the church and its role. As you study, let the Bible ask questions of Brad. Rather than launch a lot of imperatives at Brad, let the Lord's Spirit in His gentle and effective way use the word to address Brad. Ask good questions about the text, and prompt Brad to bring the text to his life.

3. Develop a plan with Brad to pursue marriage quickly. There may be a lot of work that needs to be put into this one. Brad and Jill don't esteem marriage. They have fears about it working. They're comfortable with their current commitments and arrangements. And Jill, at least, doesn't think their relationship is sinful. So, there's a lot of patient teaching that must be done here. There's a lot of exploration and shepherding that needs to be offered in order to help them make wise decisions. But, the aim would be to have a plan for getting Brad and Jill through their issues and to the marriage altar in good shape. Repentance for Brad looks like marrying Jill, which would be strengthening his commitment to her and the children. But the plan should also include some definite thoughts about leaving the relationship if Jill is unwilling to live with Brad as a believer or if she remains opposed to marriage.

4. Baptize Brad after steps 1-3. Teach the brother with all patience. Affirm his decision to follow the Lord and deepen that decision with instruction, rather than questioning the commitment and undermining his faith. Brad's mind needs to be renewed (Rom. 12:1-2) about a lot of things, but that doesn't happen over night. We all entered the baptismal waters in need of some continuing sanctification. Baptism pictures our union with Christ in His death and resurrection, not our glorification and perfection. Build up to the baptism in such a way that the baptism marks a decisive break with the world, but also a decisive beginning with Christ and the church. Avoid making "complete sanctification" the entry fee for the baptismal waters, but protect baptism by counseling the brother thoroughly.


With the Church

All of this, of course, depends on helping the congregation see this as precisely the kinds of opportunities we want to be helpful in, rather than the kinds of things we want to fix quickly, squash, or pretend doesn't happen. A couple of thoughts:

1. With Brad's support and testimony, before baptism and membership, explain Brad's situation at members' meeting, and share the highlights of the plan to help him live faithfully before the Lord. Call on the congregation to bear the brother's burden (Gal. 6:1-2) and to practically help wherever possible. Ask the congregation to faithfully pray for Brad, Jill and the children. Encourage the congregation to bring Brad into the family under the special care of the church. Have Brad make definite statements about the sin of cohabiting and fornication. Be clear, too, about the expectations for Brad should the counseling and efforts toward marriage not work. And be clear about the congregation's responsibility in loving correction should Brad refuse to listen to the church in the counseling and efforts at growing in grace.

2. Be an ally in helping to share the faith with his family. Encourage the church to involve Brad, Jill and the children in hospitality, church activities, and so on. Make the relationship with Brad about partnering in the gospel to win his family, rather than about separating Brad from the family as enemies. Love Jill and the kids in any practical way possible. Help her find better work, if that's a need. Babysit so they can have time to talk through things or attend relationship counseling. Work to make them think that Brad really has entered into this wide and caring family that cares for them all and wants the best for them all. A couple sisters from the church should be asked to develop a relationship with Jill with sharing the gospel and being a general source of support a main priority.

Conclusion

Well, those are my thoughts right now. Let me eat lunch and I may want to change some or all of this. I'm thinking through some of these things wanting to be clear but patient and sensitive as well. I don't know that these comments get the balance correct. So, what do you think? Help me out here.

Check out Russell Moore and Greg Wills, church historian and author of Democratic Religion, as they briefly (3.5 minutes) discuss this issue.

Yesterday I began a series of posts on the cost(s) of following Jesus. We would all agree that following Jesus is costly. And I suppose we would all agree that faithful evangelism and preaching must be clear about the cost of following the Lord. But what I'm interested in here is how that truth affects pastoral ministry, especially as we welcome new converts into the fold fresh from the world.

And to think about that a little, I want to sketch a series of scenarios and ask you all to share thoughts about how to care for people in these cases. With each case, I'll do two posts. The first post will offer the scenario and the main questions. The second post will, quite frankly, steal from your good suggestions and comments and a few of my own to attempt an answer of sorts. I really want to learn from others in all of this. So, "bring da Book!" Bring your experience. Bring other resources. Let's think together about this issue.

Scenario 1: "Brad," the Unmarried Father of Three

Imagine a single man in his mid-thirties, let's call him "Brad". He's been attending your church for several weeks now, listening attentively and showing interest in spiritual things. You have opportunity to get to know Brad a little bit. He works at a construction site nearby. He received his GED after dropping out of high school in the 10th grade. His father left the family when Brad was about 13 and he hasn't seen him since.


Today, Brad tells you he thinks he has been born again. He trusts the Lord Jesus and wants to follow him. You ask a few questions, and it seems Brad understands the gospel clearly. He gives you a pretty good God-man-Christ-response outline. You ask him about repentance and faith. He speaks to some particular ways he is repentant and joyfully speaks of giving himself over to Christ in trust.

Next week, Brad comes to church and takes up an entire pew with a young woman and three children. After the service, he excitedly introduces the woman to you as his girlfriend, "Jill," and the three children as his sons and daughter, "Brad, Jr.", "Thomas," and "Zoe."

They've been living together for 13 years. The oldest child is 14, about Brad's age when his father left. The youngest child is 3. The mother works as a waitress. The family primarily depends on Brad's income, which sometimes has seasonal ups and downs. Brad is the only believer in the family.

Neither Brad nor Jill really value marriage, since they've seen a lot of heartache in abuse, abandonment, infidelity, and divorce. They've lived together 13 years and they've worked it out okay; they're happy. Because they love one another and are committed to one another, they don't think their relationship is sinful nor do they think "a piece of paper" matters that much.

Brad wants to be baptized and join the church.

The Questions:

How do you counsel Brad? Do you baptize him and admit him to membership?

What specifically are the costs you think he may have to pay to follow Jesus? And how do you and the church help him to pay those costs?

One of the things I appreciate about Mark Dever's view of evangelism is his insistence that we tell people who are not yet Christians that it will be costly to follow Jesus, but it's worth it. As preachers and evangelists, we can be guilty of stressing the "worth it" aspects of following Jesus, while feel the pressure to share honestly the costs of following the Lord.

When Mark talks about the costs of following Jesus, he is, of course, only paraphrasing the Lord's own teaching. When one teach of the Law cried out, "Teacher, I will follow you anywhere you go." The Lord didn't grow giddy with the thought of "one more" in his corner. He told the man to count the cost in these words: "Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of man has no place to lay his head" (Matt. 8:18-19). Which basically means "welcome to a life of homelessness and costly sacrifice."

Even more explicitly, the Lord discusses the cost of following him in Luke 14, where he says:

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.

²⁸"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? ²⁹For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, ³⁰saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

³¹"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? ³²If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. ³³In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

Giving up everything is a consequent part of following the Lord Jesus. Bonhoeffer's famous words ring true: "The only man who has the right to say that he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ" (Cost of Discipleship, p. 51). And, "When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die." Death and cost-paying are constituent parts of discipleship.

Now, I don't suppose many readers of this post will have difficulty with the truth of these words, even if we all experience the difficulty of living these words. Dying is a hard process. And for many Christians, the subjective experience of that death which leads to life may properly be called "excruciating"--both for its pain and for its cross-related reality.

One thing I've noticed in my own young pastoral ministry is I've not given enough thought to cost-paying. What I mean more specifically is I've glimpsed something of the reality of these words in the lives of men and women who have by God's grace been converted to faith in Christ, who are following Him as best they know how, and who are paying a cost to do so. It's not as though they want to avoid the cost and solely experience the "worth it" of discipleship. Most are not looking for a cheap grace experience. But the cost is heavy.

And I'm convinced that I need to spend more time thinking through how I provide pastoral care and instruction to various people coming fresh out of the world into the life of Christ and paying the cost of following.

It seems to me that most evangelicals think of conversion as so magically wonderful and radical that once the sinner "prays the prayer" most all--if not all--of their problems are solved. The "hard part" in the minds of many evangelicals is just getting the person to commit. But Jesus' words remind us that committing to follow is when the hard part begins. And if that's true, the people of Christ need thoughtful ways of entering into the inevitable suffering and difficulty that is part of the tax and cost of joining Jesus in repentance and faith.

Put simply: How do we more effectively help people pay the cost of leaving the old life of sin and taking up their cross to follow the Lord? How do we help the very sexually active person bear the cost? How do we help the person with an unbiblical divorce pay the cost now that they're following Jesus? How do we labor with the person needing to end destructive relationships pay the cost?

In a series of posts over the next little while, I want to take up this question by looking at a few cases where we call people to follow Jesus and perhaps we need to think more about the costs they'll pay and how we can help.

That's the title of a series of posts from Tom Ascol. They are stirring posts about a man lovingly disciplined by his church over 15 years ago. After 15 years of continuing in unrepentance, Ascol and the Grace Baptist Church family saw this man restored in repentance and love a few weeks back.

This is an excellent faith-building example of God's grace at work when a congregation acts in love, and how God works in His own timing and sometimes when we can't see His hands. This post reminds us that every form of discipline--formative discipline by the teaching of the word and corrective discipline up to removal from membership--every form of discipline--is an act of faith in an all-powerful God who knows how to shape His people.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three (includes a list of helpful resources on biblical church correction)